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Just activated

This is the post excerpt.

I created this page because I feel inspired to do something… think or yell- just something. I haven’t written much in a while, but i think that this is when I express myself the best. Frankly, I’m not even sure why I stopped writing. It seems that this is one of the only creative outlets that I have since I do not make friends so easily–but I think that’s a whole other conversation for another time. I just have so may thoughts floating through my head that I thought going back to writing would be a good way to organize myself, and hey, while I’m at it I figured why not make it publicly visible? Maybe someone will find my crazy ramblings inspiring, relatable, or entertaining? ……probably not though.

 

Inititial Inspiration that Led to Procrastination–where am I?

Isn’t that always how it works? ….well I have been doing quite a bit of procrastination lately-and by lately I mean throughout the past 5 or so years. I just want my life to begin!! ….but I’m perpetually stuck in childhood as it would seem. The explanation? Let’s just go with that I feel like I delayed my life quite a bit with stupidity and distractions and now I am having some trouble getting the  ball rolling again. I used to say that “I just don’t know how to be me again”, but now I feel just a little more like myself- just a slightly off version. I know how this sounds, too–well, at least I think I  can assume how its perceived …is that arrogant? I mean, is it arrogant to assume that I know how others perceive things? It sounds like I am saying “wordpress, I am so lost and sad”, but I swear I’m totally not saying that….I just am saying that I feel that finding myself and a purpose for myself would make me pretty damn happy. So where to now? Good question! I suppose now I explore and explain and I hope that upon review, I figure out my convoluted ass mind.

Lets try and tackle this thing as organized as possible-because God knows that I am not very organized…but I do try! There are a lot of things that I think about- sometimes throughout the span of a minute and then there are other times that I am pretty mindless….and yet I am not sure which one is better because they each have their own way of making me feel alienated from the world. I feel like someone reading this may just say, ” hey there dipshit, why don’t you meld them in the middle?” And to that I would say, ” Hello, name caller–that sounds great and all but I can’t!” I have tried many many things and nothing works…. so I have committed to being my oddly-odd , inconsistent little self for the time being.

 

Ok sooooooooooo (to me that’s like saying so with a sigh FYI)

Lets sum this shit up …………………………………….

+here’s what I know that I think I know about myself:

-Pensive….in a very abstract manner that I (perhaps arrogantly) perceive as unique

-I am perceived as a total jerk (must be the face? b/s I care about being courteous to those who are starting from a clean slate)

-Self indulgent…probably

-Cocky…. just a bit

-intuitive… many more discussions needed to tackle this shit

-Arrogant-totally, but I try to control it..although it just gets the best of me when I am angry. Hello evil humanity at work

-Spiritual….although currently at a loss

-Passionate…. everything I do gets my whole heart (unless I am unhappy)

-Caring

-Willing to help

-Misunderstood

-analytical

-see things as black and white

-yearn for happiness

-seek freedom of choice

-temperamental

-unskilled

-dependant

-yearn to feel love and express love

-protective

-fearless when it comes to whats right

-frightened of the world and for the world

-empathetic

-not sympathetic

-stubborn

+ Now, this is the feedback that I have received (put as objectively as possible:

-mean.. despite my intentions

-determined

-hard working

-bubbly

-seem intelligent

+ Here’s my subjective feelings about the perceptions of others:

-they misunderstand everything

-why are they so dumb?

-I don’t understand why people cant see things clearly

-People are misguided and I refuse to tell them what they want to hear. I’m in it to be my genuine self…but others are “people pleasers”

__________________________________________________

= current state of confusion

here’s why: conflict

why conflict: (1) head says the solution is self perception + misunderstood = change approach

(2) tried recalculation a few different ways with variant results ranging from

I. desired results achievable through perceived “goodness”, however this was very tiring, ++increased instance of unprovoked  spiritual experiences –even during inconvenient times

II. complete undesired results through doing whatever the fuck I want

++provoked spiritual experiences minimal and unforeseeable

III.  a variety of desirable an undesirable results depending on chosen course of action through a critical analysis of situation

++both  unprovoked and provoked spiritual experiences minimal

(3) my heart says that I haven’t found it yet because I do not feel genuine in either of the personas I take on


=wtf!!!! do I even have a persona of my own???

am I even meant to be happy?

am I just a pawn that was put into this world to care for others and teach them life lessons while I am left to never fully settle?

am I destined to always feel misunderstood?

-I feel so abnormal, like I do not belong anywhere

-the closest place to normal   was when I was 14 and first entered blind world….

 

and those are all good starting points for further analysis upon review.

BYE!!!