Isn’t that always how it works? ….well I have been doing quite a bit of procrastination lately-and by lately I mean throughout the past 5 or so years. I just want my life to begin!! ….but I’m perpetually stuck in childhood as it would seem. The explanation? Let’s just go with that I feel like I delayed my life quite a bit with stupidity and distractions and now I am having some trouble getting the ball rolling again. I used to say that “I just don’t know how to be me again”, but now I feel just a little more like myself- just a slightly off version. I know how this sounds, too–well, at least I think I can assume how its perceived …is that arrogant? I mean, is it arrogant to assume that I know how others perceive things? It sounds like I am saying “wordpress, I am so lost and sad”, but I swear I’m totally not saying that….I just am saying that I feel that finding myself and a purpose for myself would make me pretty damn happy. So where to now? Good question! I suppose now I explore and explain and I hope that upon review, I figure out my convoluted ass mind.
Lets try and tackle this thing as organized as possible-because God knows that I am not very organized…but I do try! There are a lot of things that I think about- sometimes throughout the span of a minute and then there are other times that I am pretty mindless….and yet I am not sure which one is better because they each have their own way of making me feel alienated from the world. I feel like someone reading this may just say, ” hey there dipshit, why don’t you meld them in the middle?” And to that I would say, ” Hello, name caller–that sounds great and all but I can’t!” I have tried many many things and nothing works…. so I have committed to being my oddly-odd , inconsistent little self for the time being.
Ok sooooooooooo (to me that’s like saying so with a sigh FYI)
Lets sum this shit up …………………………………….
+here’s what I know that I think I know about myself:
-Pensive….in a very abstract manner that I (perhaps arrogantly) perceive as unique
-I am perceived as a total jerk (must be the face? b/s I care about being courteous to those who are starting from a clean slate)
-Cocky…. just a bit
-intuitive… many more discussions needed to tackle this shit
-Arrogant-totally, but I try to control it..although it just gets the best of me when I am angry. Hello evil humanity at work
-Spiritual….although currently at a loss
-Passionate…. everything I do gets my whole heart (unless I am unhappy)
-Willing to help
-see things as black and white
-yearn for happiness
-seek freedom of choice
-yearn to feel love and express love
-fearless when it comes to whats right
-frightened of the world and for the world
+ Now, this is the feedback that I have received (put as objectively as possible:
-mean.. despite my intentions
+ Here’s my subjective feelings about the perceptions of others:
-they misunderstand everything
-why are they so dumb?
-I don’t understand why people cant see things clearly
-People are misguided and I refuse to tell them what they want to hear. I’m in it to be my genuine self…but others are “people pleasers”
= current state of confusion
here’s why: conflict
why conflict: (1) head says the solution is self perception + misunderstood = change approach
(2) tried recalculation a few different ways with variant results ranging from
I. desired results achievable through perceived “goodness”, however this was very tiring, ++increased instance of unprovoked spiritual experiences –even during inconvenient times
II. complete undesired results through doing whatever the fuck I want
++provoked spiritual experiences minimal and unforeseeable
III. a variety of desirable an undesirable results depending on chosen course of action through a critical analysis of situation
++both unprovoked and provoked spiritual experiences minimal
(3) my heart says that I haven’t found it yet because I do not feel genuine in either of the personas I take on
=wtf!!!! do I even have a persona of my own???
am I even meant to be happy?
am I just a pawn that was put into this world to care for others and teach them life lessons while I am left to never fully settle?
am I destined to always feel misunderstood?
-I feel so abnormal, like I do not belong anywhere
-the closest place to normal was when I was 14 and first entered blind world….
and those are all good starting points for further analysis upon review.